Day 3
This morning is the start of Day 3 without Cook. I just can’t even begin to tell you how hard it has been. Its’ been just a fucking nightmare on two fronts.
One, just the pain of losing her. I cannot put into words how heart broken I am. My chest hurts all the time. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I wanted to take some time off of job hunting in order to have fun and ride. Spend time with Cook and Miss. and now, I’m spending time off in a drug induced state of trying to figure out what the hell I am doing, just trying to cope. Yesterday sort of reminded me of Izzie and Denny from Grey’s. I finally took off my jeans and turtleneck, that I had wore for 2.5 days. I took a shower. Time stands still.
Two, people. now of course, I understand, people are awkward and don’t know what to say, don’t understand how or what I feel, but in short…. people just suck. They say dumb things, want me to move on, just have no idea of the impact.
I screamed at my mom yesterday on the phone, and ordinarily I would have felt bad. But I’m too numb to feel bad. My mom asked me if I was feeling better and I told her honestly, “no”. Not at all. She then goes on and talks about black Friday, her car being in the shop, my asshole stepfather, just a run of the mill conversation. So I just stop her after 10 minutes, and just scream at her that today I had to scrub my horse’s blood up off the concrete because I couldn’t FUCKING stand it anymore, and the truck is still FUCKING parked there that I have to look at every time I leave my house. SO I AM SORRY THAT I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DAY. CAN THIS JUST BE ABOUT ME FOR ONCE?
I talked to my brother around noon on Thursday and then he called last night (Fri) after Meredith called him 3 times. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in him. I would have expected him to come to Raleigh. Actually, I expected more people to drop what they were doing and come over.
Cook wasn’t a pet to me. She wasn’t just a horse I had. She wasn’t my dog that I had put to sleep (everyone’s number 1 thing to say…. “I had a dog I had to put down last year… I know EXACTLY how you feel”.) I don’t care what you have been through. You have no idea what I feel like. I know all the cliches about ‘it will get better’, ‘ time heals everything’, ‘you’ll get another horse’. The irony is the people who KNOW how I feel - people who have experienced the type of loss I feel - don’t offer those cliches.
I will NEVER heal from this. I will NEVER get over this. I will NEVER be ok with this. I will NEVER say that I should be glad the time I had with her. It will NEVER be enough time. The best thing I can hope for is that I will learn to cope with the pain better. I will eventually get back on a normal schedule and life will go on. I have no choice.
Comment by Beth
November 24, 2007 @ 9:41 am
The pain will lessen. Its hard to imagine it. Its hard to imagine that you will not fall to pieces everytime you see a picture, see a piece of equipment that was hers, touch another animal…but someday, it will get better. But then once in a while it will sneak up on you and bring you back to your knees.
You will count the days and then the weeks. You will measure time by her passing. You may resent a new horse if you get one too soon, it will never be Cook, can never be Cook.
Those lifetime animals are rare…but are lives are better for having had them.
People suck. They say the wrong things and think if they talk about anything else it will distract you. When in reality all you want to do is talk about Cook.
Comment by nikki
November 24, 2007 @ 10:48 am
Beth pretty much took the words out of my mouth.
There’s really nothing anyone can say to you to make you feel better. I DO know how you feel, but that doesn’t help you at all. It sucks. Its the WORST thing in the world. And you’re right. You never really get over it. It gets better, you find ways to deal with it, and you learn to move on, but you never get over it. And every time you see her picture it’ll all come back. (Sorry, I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that everything’s gonna be okay and all that crap.)
I know because I lost my Cook when I was 16. I’m still not over it. I still cry for her, I still curse and get mad about it, I still hate that she was taken.
Of course you didn’t have enough time with her. But you will come to the point where you can look back over your time together and be thankful. It takes a while, but it does come. And when it does, it sucks all over again.
It helps to talk about it, when you’re ready. It helps to scream and cry and FEEL. Even though it sucks.
I wish there were something I could do for you, something to make you feel better, but there’s not. Just know that you’re in my prayers and if you need me I”m here. We all are. Some people just keep their distance so it doesn’t make you feel worse. But we’re all here.
Comment by Crystal
November 24, 2007 @ 10:59 am
Nikki, Beth, thanks. I wrote that post and debated about whether to publish it or not. its’ just how I feel. I am going through the stage of second guessing myself. I even thought this morning if I had bred her, how she would have been out with Tig and Whit… and how I would have had a foal.