Stages of Grief
I am going through the stages of grief like they were written out of a textbook.
For the first 2 days, I was adament that her things weren’t to be touched. I set up her stall, put her leftover, un-eaten grain in a ziplock bag, kept hay waiting for her … all in hopes that this was a nightmare and she would be back. Or if I wished or prayed hard enough, it will make her come back.
Yesterday, I was more accepting. I asked Sue to take her blanket and have it professionally cleaned. I can’t use any of her things on another horse - in time, maybe. Maybe never. I’m going to pack up her things.
I have been second guessing myself alot. Just thinking really dumb things, like I should have moved her to the new barn. I should have bred her this past season. Mere and I threw it out around, but I never really considered it. I was too chicken, too scared something might go wrong and she would die. I also thought about Thanksgiving and how if I had gone home, something might have changed the ways of fate.
I understand its a waste of time.
I still have a headache that I have carried around with me since. It lies low mostly, but it’s always there, and when it roars, I am blinded by the pain. I wonder how long that will last. I also can’t sleep more than 4-5 hours. As soon as the drugs wear off, my body is on high alert again.
It’s 4am right now as I type and publish this.
Comment by Beth
November 25, 2007 @ 9:24 am
Trust me, you and I did the same things. Ollie’s leash and collar stayed in my person for WEEKS. Ollie’s bowl with unfinished food stayed in the fride for four months. ALL of his equipment went into his memorial box or was packed up. Nothing will ever be used by other dogs.
I also thought the same things after Ollie was killed by the food posioning. What if I didnt feed him that food? What if I would have never moved back in with moose? What if I had taken him to the vet earlier? All useless thoughts that do nothing but make us feel worse about ourselves.
I had the physical pain for about nine weeks, but it get better and did go away. I had chest pains and a headache as well.
Dont beat yourself up, YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS.
Comment by nikki
November 25, 2007 @ 9:33 am
She’s right, nothing you could have done would have prevented this. It was just fate.
It’s good that you’re being open about it, though. Keeping things in never helps.
You’ll be able to use some of her stuff again, one day. I did, anyway. I still have Magic and Charlie’s halters on a hanger in my closet, they will never be worn again. But after a while I used their splint boots, lead ropes, and blankets on others.
The website for the people who made Mama’s bracelet from Angel’s hair: www.twistedtails.com
They did an excellent job, and you can have necklaces made, too.
Comment by Kat
November 26, 2007 @ 9:20 pm
I think I’m going through the stages of grief too. Last night when I found out and talked to you it was like it hadn’t sunk in yet. I even found myself at work today thinking, “are they really sure it was Cookie?” Now I’ve got tears streaming down my face thinking of how special Cookie was.
You’re right, no one knows how you feel. No two experiences are even remotely similar in the way people feel about them and deal with them. No, you probably won’t ever get over her. Time may make it a bit easier, but there will be moments that completely blind-side you and knock you right back to square one, temporarily.
My advice is take your time, let yourself break down when you need to, kick something, keep your friends and family close and when they can’t be around, lean on Birdie, Little, Leftover Kitty and Missy.
I wish I was back in Raleigh (never thought I’d say that!) so I could be there for you. If you need to get away, you’re always welcome here.
::hugs::
Comment by Crystal
November 26, 2007 @ 9:54 pm
Thanks for ur kind words, Kathy. I felt better after talking to you last night. I was comforted by the conversation we had about hair.