Wednesday
It’s so bizarre that I go to blog and what do I say? When will it feel normal to blog about my barn day or horses I rode or things I did? I don’t know.
Cook consumes my thoughts, consumes my day. I manage to hold things together better now, but I still get upset at “surprises”. I saw Cook’s vet, Dr Fernando, yesterday, and when he saw me, he asked me if I had moved the “girls” to the new barn. He hadn’t heard.
I carry around a bucket-type with me that holds supplies. It has a picture of Cook taped to the lid. I dig around in there yesterday while working at the barn for a comb, and I pull out Coggins papers (immunization papers). They’re for Cook.
I still talk about Cook in the present tense. I still say I have 2 horses. I still make jokes, comments about owning a thoroughbred. I’m surprised how much she comes up in conversation - I never noticed before how much I talk about her. She is such an integral part of me, how is it possible for her to be gone?
Comment by nikki
November 28, 2007 @ 8:23 pm
I understand. But talking about her keeps her spirit alive, as gay as that sounds. You’re gonna want to talk about her like that for a LONG time probably. (Like she’s still here, I mean.) It’ll get better, and if you ever get another horse that reminds you of her, you’ll do it all over again. (I still talk about “Charlie” when I mean “Sunshine” - they’re so much alike.)
Comment by bethm411
November 29, 2007 @ 10:15 am
its shocking isnt it? You THINK you know what the meant to you while they were still here, but then when they leave so suddenly it knocks the soul clear out of your body, because they occupied your soul, they were part of it. (and I use the term “you” genariclly, I dont want you to take offense if this is not how you feel)
I know that when Ollie left, I would still talk about him like he was still here and I would look for him. I actually called him once. Moose was there and he just walked over, wrapped his arms around me and said “he’s gone, baby”…to hear those words uttered, almost killed me because it wasnt “real” yet.
as you know, my loose of Ollie was six months ago and tears are flowing freely as I type this and at times it still doesnt feel real.