Friends have dedicated blog posts to cook.

Check these out.

 http://www.thedramedyoflife.com/

http://nikkisyndromezone.blogspot.com/2007/11/happy-thanksgiving.html 

http://samthehorse.blogspot.com/2007/11/in-support.html

Thanks so much….  Your love is appreciated.

kindest regards,

Crystal and Cook.

I woke up this morning and could barely get out of bed.

I managed to make it to the barn and rode with Mere, Brendan and Lindsey. It was pretty fun. I was glad for the company. I rode Elvis and he was good. We jumped a few really cute jumps. My trot jumps looked like crap - I was left behind twice. I’m not good at trotting jumps. I see the spots at the canter.

I milled around at the barn the rest of the afternoon. I fed the old barn … its just so weird. Mere said I didn’t have to but I knew she was going to an event tonight, so I told her I would just cover it. Its’ part of my desire to just have some part of my routine back.

___________________________________________

I’m pretty livid at Richard, my brother. This is the person I love most in the world has just… lost …..his …. mind. Not only has he not called me ALL week… haven’t spoken to him since last FRIDAY, but to add serious insult to injury, he thinks I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps and get over it. Apparently he told my mom that part of “my problem” is that I have just been sitting at home all day (ACCORDING TO HIM) and I should get out.

Hmm, that’s interesting since in the past 13 days since I lost my job, I have only been home ONE DAY.  THE ONLY DAY I HAVE BEEN HOME IS THURSDAY, THANKSGIVING, WHEN MY HORSE DIED.

So cut me some frickin’ slack.

I don’t wanna rant here or sound like I’m complaining but again, I just wanted to comment on the strength of women. Women have known the right things to say, women have been comforting and women stand there, even when it’s painful to. Women keep calling, even if they know the conversation will be awkward.

Men just don’t know what to do or how to handle emotional charged situations.

So I guess that avoidance is the best defense they can muster.

I tried to go to bed tonight with no medication help, and I actually managed to fall asleep around 11ish.  However, the problem is its now 2Am and I’m awake.  I will have to figure out some happy medium.  I need to be able to function in the morning without looking like a zombie.

____________________________________________

Part of the reason I’m restless tonight is because I went to see Elise.  Elise lost her horse, Mimi last year ON THANKSGIVING as well.  What a weird con-winky-dink.  Mimi and Cook run neck and neck down the post in the race for  ‘Most Adored Horse’.   I cried at her house.  Surprised I still have any tears left.  My tear ducts are on strike.  Now, when I’m upset, I have a porcupine response.  My body can’t physically deal with any more stress, so it just tries to curl up in a ball and wait for the danger to pass.  I get sad, and immediately I feel like I need a nap.

It’s so bizarre that I go to blog and what do I say?  When will it feel normal to blog about my barn day or horses I rode or things I did?  I don’t know.

Cook consumes my thoughts, consumes my day.  I manage to hold things together better now, but I still get upset at “surprises”.  I saw Cook’s vet, Dr Fernando, yesterday, and when he saw me, he asked me if I had moved the “girls” to the new barn.  He hadn’t heard.

I carry around a bucket-type with me that holds supplies.  It has a picture of Cook taped to the lid.  I dig around in there yesterday while working at the barn for a comb, and I pull out Coggins papers (immunization papers).  They’re for Cook.

I still talk about Cook in the present tense.  I still say I have 2 horses.  I still make jokes, comments about owning a thoroughbred.  I’m surprised how much she comes up in conversation - I never noticed before how much I talk about her.  She is such an integral part of me, how is it possible for her to be gone?

People are coming back from Thanksgiving holidays and finding out about Cook passing, so my phone has been ringing off the hook. It’s nice so many people care.

Lindsey gave me a card today with a really nice poem in it about horses and heaven. It made me teary.

The one thing I do know, with no doubts in my heart, is that I will see Cook again. Part of the comfort I feel now, of accepting her being gone, is the fact I know I will see her again.

The song that is comforting to me right now, is a surprising one, ’cause before last Wednesday, I didn’t even like it and never listened to the words.

“Who Knew” - Pink

That last kiss
I’ll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you

______________________________________

I worked at the barn all day. It felt like 15 minutes even though I was there 8 hours. I was glad to get back to doing something. I was sad I missed riding Missy but it was rainy and I just didn’t get a chance.

______________________________________

Again, thanks so much for everyone’s well wishes. I would really like everyone to comment on the post where I announced her passing. The one with the kissing picture. That way, when I look back and I’m feeling bad, I can read the comments and feel comforted.

There are quite a few people who have been exceptionally kind to me over the past few days. I won’t list them by name, but people have emailed, come by, brought food, called, sent flowers, given cards, tacked up Elvis for me to ride (ok, that was Rachel :-) and given me lots and lots of hugs through tears.

I appreciate it.

__________________________________________________

The other thing I thought about was I wanted to say special thanks to Lauren, Lundie, Kathy and Rachel for taking pictures of me with Cook.  I will always be grateful that they all captured pictures so I will be able to better remember everything about her.

I am going through the stages of grief like they were written out of a textbook.

For the first 2 days, I was adament that her things weren’t to be touched.  I set up her stall, put her leftover, un-eaten grain in a ziplock bag, kept hay waiting for her …  all in hopes that this was a nightmare and she would be back.  Or if I wished or prayed hard enough, it will make her come back.

Yesterday, I was more accepting.  I asked Sue to take her blanket and have it professionally cleaned.  I can’t use any of her things on another horse - in time, maybe.  Maybe never.  I’m going to pack up her things.

I have been second guessing myself alot.  Just thinking really dumb things, like I should have moved her to the new barn.  I should have bred her this past season.  Mere and I threw it out around, but I never really considered it.  I was too chicken, too scared something might go wrong and she would die.  I also thought about Thanksgiving and how if I had gone home, something might have changed the ways of fate.

I understand its a waste of time.

I still have a headache that I have carried around with me since.  It lies low mostly, but it’s always there, and when it roars, I am blinded by the pain.  I wonder how long that will last.  I also can’t sleep more than 4-5 hours.  As soon as the drugs wear off, my body is on high alert again.

It’s 4am right now as I type and publish this.