He’s good and still way cute.  A few people have seen him now and everyone has complimented me on how cute he is and how nice he looks.   I really like him.

Saturday was just a horrid, horrid day. First of all, it was a month anniversary of Cook’s death. I feel like it was just yesterday. Mere said it felt like months.

So I woke up at 3am, tossed and turned and at 6, decided to head to the barn on 4 hours of sleep. I fed the old barn, turned out and headed to the new barn. There, I helped with the morning turnout. (telling all detail to just show the fatigue level).

One of my jobs was to walk a stallion who is on stall rest. He has been awesome… every other day. I got him into the ring and put him on the lunge because he was so fresh. He totally went nuts. I am proud that I hung on to him, but I was embarassed that I was completely drug around. Lundie had to come rescue me.

At 9am, my brother comes to do some carpentry around the barn. At 10am, Theresa brought kiddies to see ponies. Ami was good for the kids to feed carrots to. I was pleased with that. I don’t know him that well and had no idea how he would react to being around crowds, especially with little kids. We used a few of Mere’s ponies and of course, they were good. Mere’s ponies are well broke and used to kiddie-folk. So then we got lunch and met about all the barn things.

It just turned ugly between Richard and I. It drives me crazy because I feel like he is so hard on me about everything I say or do and he has ZERO listening skills. (actually, what comes to mind is Kevin - very similar - both think I couldn’t find my way out of a paper bag).

In general, I do not tell people my opinion or what to do (how to raise their kids or ride their ponies), unless I know what I am talking about. If it’s not hurting anyone, I just leave it alone. So I always expect WHEN I DO SPEAK UP, that you listen.

So I didn’t leave until 530.

Do you guys know how much I do not want to go home for Christmas? Do you have any concept? And everyone knows. My mom called me last night, begging me to come, even though I told her that I am coming home on Monday because I feel like I HAVE TO. I would be an evil person not to come home on Christmas.

Riding and working at the barn is my only salvation right now.

good day today but very tiring. Didn’t leave early like I planned. Rode 3 and all were good rides. Gave Ami another day off because of thrush.

Ami is truly VERY affectionate.  I think he is already fond of me.  He is very snuggly.  I haven’t met a horse since Cook that has a sign on their head that says “LOVE ME, NEED ME, PAY ATTENTION TO ME”.

If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
I would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken
No time to say “goodbye”
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

My heart still aches in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to love you
No one will ever know

But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store

Since you’ll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay

I went to Lauren Upton’s graduation party.

I am happy for her and it’s all good.

But I hate going to things like that now.  It took every ounce of my being to go.  You always see people at events like that, that you haven’t seen post-Cook death.  So they either ask how she is** or they have heard and want to tell you how sorry they are.

Lauren had a scrapbook of her horse, Elvis (who was Cook’s pasture mate once upon a time).  She had pictures of Cook in there, where we had trail rode many moons ago.  It goes along with what I had described in previous posts… its’ amazing and shocking how often she comes up, especially when I’m not expecting it.

I should stop writing now and just go to bed.  Things will be better in the morning.

Or at least so busy, Cook will not occupy my mind.

** I know this sounds really mean and I NEVER do it, but when people ask how she is, I just feel like being mean and saying… “Not too good.  She’s dead.”  Just that blunt and brutal.  I know it’s mean and un-deserving to the person…  I don’t know why I feel like being mean.

I have seen a few people who have asked and I just say she’s fine.